"I love you."

Three words.
"I love you."
These words have a much different meaning to me than most people. Especially today- Valentines Day.

I'm laying here in confusion, my heart in so much pain. I'm submerged in my own guilt and desperately crying for a way out. My mind replays the past three weeks where every night I get into my car and drive. And drive. And drive. I drive until the gas tank is empty. I drive until my tears blur my vision and I need to stop the car. I pull out the Ziploc bag- plastic in itself meaningless, but the words written on top treasurable- and I read until my sobs echo in the night. I gasp for air as my emotions lead to physical helplessness. I pull out the slip of paper that reads Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord and I scream I'VE BEEN WAITING GOD! I just don't understand.

I dwell on my unworthiness tonight and feel so alone. As the tears begin to fall, I quickly wipe them away for I don't want to feel weak. But my emotions are emerging too hastily and there's nothing I can do to stop them. The feelings of regret and shame are two that overwhelm and override my thoughts.


This pain is too much.



I reached for my phone, and texted what I thought my body would never crave and my mind would never desire-  11:58 pm: Can you get me some drugs? I can't do this any longer.


There. I said it. I can't believe I said it. But I need it. Right? My heart rate begins to reduce, because I tell myself that it will all be over soon.

11:59- Nothing.
12:00- Nothing. But it's okay, it takes a few minutes to respond.
12:01- Nothing.
12:02- Why am I not getting a response?
12:03- Nothing.

I need this. But from days and hours of crying and countless nights of no sleep,  I am weary and exhausted. I curl into a tight ball so I can feel protected and for the first time since I can remember I don't fight the agility of my eyelids closing.
Just as I begin to drift asleep, I feel the phone in my hand vibrate.
Yes! The relief I feel is not only one I have been waiting for as of 10 minutes, but it is one I have desperately been seeking for months. These feelings are like razorblades dug into my flesh; a needle pierced so deep into my veins; a handful of pills I cannot resist; poison being spread into my chest. It's time to oppress what I long to be gone.


Wait, what? This isn't who I texted. This isn't the person who will provide what I need.
I flip open my phone and I read,
12:09: I love you.


My heart beats twice as fast as it did after I ran my first track race. And I'm not exaggerating. This isn't what I asked for. I didn't ask for empty meaningless words. Words won't help me. I need the drugs.

But as beads of sweat roll down my face and my erratic heat beat is not slowing down I am forced to read it again.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.

Is love the remedy for my madness? Is love the antidote I've been blindly searching for?
Robust aspirations start to decay and the positive mindset breaks free. Serenity, tranquility- is this my source of ecstasy?!

This constructive ordeal is too good to be true.
12:18- How about _____? I can get it to you tonight.
He's right. I need it. Withdrawal from grace is worse than that of opiates. Insomnia keeps me awake at night because each day regret and pain escalate to a new high. My heart is calloused and my emotions implode.

But what if she meant what she said.
What if I am loved.
What if love is the cure for all my pain.
What if love means forgiveness.

It's now 2:13 and I am just so tired.
Struggling with the discord inside me.
The battle of lies versus truth
The war of despair versus hope
The fight between death and life
The combat between drugs and love.

So, while my quest, though similar, might be a little bit different than that of most people on Valentine's day, I will not retreat. I will not surrender.

As I fall asleep tonight I will choose to dwell on these words:

"I love you."