Something to Say

Sometimes I can be full of tears and cries of desperation. Yet, other times I am silent, and catatonic. Though my actions scream apathy, that is far from the truth.
Tonight I am at a loss for words, but full of feeling...full of emotions, pain, disgrace and shame. I'm full of confusion. I'm tired of being labeled a victim. When pain comes from injustice, forgiveness can be found in my heart. When pain comes from a sin I have committed, I drown in regret that rises like a flood. And while it may not make sense to others, I yearn for discipline. I want people to stop blaming others and to blame me instead...blame my lack of faith, trust, and hope. I do want them to mourn with me when I mourn, but to not say "poor her." I don't want my faults justified. Somewhere, covered by the lies that the Enemy has fed me and that I have swallowed, there is a yearning to hold on to hope...not hope that I have...but hope that others have shown for me. It is at a time like this season of my life, that I am thankful for the words of others.

Something to Say

Starfield

I've got something to say

It's been one of those days

When I'm finding it hard to believe in You

I've got something to say

I've forgotten how to pray

And I'm finding it hard to believe the Truth.

I've got something to say

Right now it feels like You are slipping away

Like I am drowning in a crisis of faith

Like I'm alone

I've got something to say

What was black and white is gray

And I'm finding it hard to believe in You

And faith might mean there won't be answers

And hope might mean enduring through the night

But help me not forget in darkness

The things that I believed in light

Hold My Heart

Today I....
drank water.
painted a rock.
And.... that's it.
God, give me purpose.

Hurts Like Heaven

It seems as though following God hurts like Heaven... which seems to hurt more than hell.  I think that's because Heaven wants me to change and hell hopes that I never do.

Dear Agony

"I will find the enemy within, because I can feel it crawl beneath my skin. Dear Agony, just let go of me. Suffer slowly. Is this the way it's got to be, dear Agony? Don't bury me, faceless enemy. I'm so sorry. Is this the way it's got to be, dear Agony? Leave me alone. God, let me go. All blue and cold, black sky will burn. Love, pull me down. Hate, lift me up. Just turn around. There's nothing left. I feel nothing anymore."

Where are you, oh my heart?
I thought i knew just where to find you.
I've grown tired of this game of hide and seek,
Only to find it hidden under lock and key.

numb...numb

Where are you, oh emotion?
I thought you were sewn upon my sleeves.
I grow tired of this digging,
Digging to find it's still further buried.

numb...numb...

Why does it seem the one who hid it is the only one who can find it?
Is the one who buried it the only one that can unearth it?

numb...numb

Cut through like a knife
Drive through like a stake
Scream out in the rain
Unearth from this grave