What a wonderful Maker.

So, let me just start off by saying,

GOD IS GOOD.

Yeah, He's really, really, really, really, really, REALLY good!
For the first time in, well I don't even know how long, I am excited for my future. "...he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Philippians 1:6) How exciting!
I have lost countless hours of sleep just worrying about school and where I will go or what I will do. But, Matthew 6:25,33-34 says, "Therefore, I tell you do not worry about your life....But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own." Worrying does no good.

I lose numerous hours of sleep just planning my life and my future. But, Proverbs 19:21 says, "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails."!

How silly am I for planning- rather foolish. Don't get me wrong, I think it is important to have plans...but TRUST in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all yoru ways submit to him, and he WILL make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6)!!

In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.
-Proverbs 16:9

Thankful that He is in control. Thankful that He is a much bigger plan for my life than I could ever imagine. Thankful that He allows a weakling like ME to help further the Kingdom. Thankful that He has revealed my unworthiness to the world, to lift His name higher."But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me"(2 Corinthians 12:9)

Jesus, give me Your heart. Let there be a death in me! I'm making room for all that You are. Give me Your heart! Break me down. Build me up. Let who I was keep falling apart. Give me Your heart! Burn away all the drugs. Come on, let the fire start. Give me Your heart! Oh, my Creator...May I be low, so You're made higher. I'll be weak, for You are strong in the weak man.

I’d be lying if I said it would be easy to go back to Covenant. In fact, it would most likely be a challenge in various different ways. But I’m not seeking what is easy. I’m seeking to be in align with God’s plan for my life and trusting that He will give me the strength to do what I need to do, and the wisdom to make the right decisions. Going back makes me apprehensive and fearful. But I have been praying about this and God has been softening my heart and allowing me to see His vision bit by bit. And it’s a real exciting thing, no matter how intimidating it is. And although it was originally against what every bone in my body desired, I have learned to be satisfied when I am working in the will of God. After fervent and long nights of prayer, God has pushed me in this direction and so I pursue it. I trust that if what has been stirred in my heart is not His desire, He will close the doors. And for that reason alone, I am content...for I am not in control (THANK YOU).
If God closes the doors to Covenant, I have other exciting opportunities. Actually, studying in Peru, New Zealand, Australia, Liberia, Egypt, and China are all possibilities as well as interning there. Soooo, I can't really complain.

MAY YOUR WILL BE DONE!
The Lord is good,
a refuge in times of trouble.
He cares for those who trust in him.
-Nahum 1:7

Serve

 Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you." -Hebrews 13:5 

The Lord has called me out on my selfishness and materialism. I value money and my time is scheduled around the making of money. It may not be apparent to others, but it is apparent in my heart. While I am working I calculate how much money I will be making that day. 10 minutes later I redo the calculations just to make sure I am right. I think ahead to the summer, or when warmer weather arrives, and I discern how much of my time I will be able to sacrifice in order to earn extra money through landscaping or other projects. I set money aside for schooling, because my pride has decided I will make it through school with no debt. And then I selfishly ponder on how I will spend the rest of my money... to fulfill my own unnecessary wants.

I believe it is important to have a plan and a budget. We are called to be good stewards of our money, and I think that includes thinking about the future. But I don't want it to be set in stone. If God calls me to give away all that I own... I want to do that. I want to give freely and joyously. There is no better place to be than in the will of God.

Yesterday as I walked through downtown Lancaster, Anna and I passed a woman begging for money on the side of the street. I did not even hear her at first, but Anna stopped to listen. It was raining outside, and my selfish, uncomfortable, human body desired to get inside, out of the cold and dripping rain. As we were about to order our lattes, the woman's requests were set on replay in my mind. She asked for a dollar. One dollar. And I hesitated. I HESITATED. Over one dollar. Seriously, one dollar, Sierra? Our order of lattes quickly turned into the purchase of a muffin for a special woman. A muffin for a woman who is dearly loved by a gracious King. We ran back out into the rain, praying that the woman was where we once saw her. When she saw the food, her elderly pale face and frail body rejoiced with a small smile and my heart hurt. I wasn't proud of what we had done. I wasn't satisfied. I was angry for the hesitation. For hours I regretted my response, and to this moment I wish we had invited her inside with us. I wish we had taken the opportunity to seek after her heart and share with her ours.
God has called me to give freely.
He has called me to give back what is not even mine.

If everything is Yours, I'm letting it go, God. It was never mine to hold.

What if I chose to serve... out of love?

Patience

Recently I have learned to be still and listen. I have allowed God to stir desires in my heart and I have allowed time for me to examine them.
Last semester I was encouraged by someone who constantly listened to the voice of God. She would be walking to class and the Lord would tell her to do something... and she immediately obeyed- no hesitation. My mind could not grapple with this kind of living. It was something I never experienced. I actually began to be filled with jealousy, because it was something I so desperately desired. Someone tonight at the C4 Bible Study shared a similar experience, and for the first time I realized how impatient I am. I was not allowing God to have time to work in my heart and break down each barrier I have spent 19 years building. Just because my desires have changed and I yearn to have a deep relationship with God, does not mean He will transform me overnight.
My impatience is frustrating. I want to hear God in the way these people have. I want to allow Him to stir things in my heart that help advance the Kingdom of God. I want Him to use me. John 10:27 says, "My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me." That is my prayer.

For this people’s heart has become calloused;
they hardly hear with their ears,
and they have closed their eyes.
Otherwise they might see with their eyes,
hear with their ears,
understand with their hearts
and turn, and I would heal them.

Matthew 13:15

Satan

Tonight I feel Satan pursuing me.
I hear him whisper "hold my hand."
My hopeless estate seeks any form of comfort and I partner with the one I hate...the one who has lured me into regret.
But he pursues me.
And deep down, I have a longing to be pursued again.

Make War

When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. -James 1:13-14

God tests. Satan tempts.

Tonight God helped me to resist the temptation I have faced and succumbed to daily for months. Praise Him! But one night of not engaging is not enough. It takes 30+ days usually to break a habit. This one might take me a little longer.
What can wash away my sin? Nothing but the blood of Jesus. Nothing can for sin atone. Nothing but the blood of Jesus.
Great Deliverer, I just want to scream sometimes. Help this to not be the only time I resist the temptation that seems so enticing and lures me in. Do what You must to keep my eyes, hands, and heart focused on You, so that my mind won't wallow in the mires of sin.
There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it. -1 Corinthians 10:13

Fear not, I am with thee, O be not dismayed,

For I am thy God and will still give thee aid;

I’ll strengthen and help thee, and cause thee to stand

Upheld by My righteous, omnipotent hand.

The Endless Frontier

This has been weighing heavy on my heart.

"The fact that you have heard these things does not mean that you have it."

"There is a need to be rescued; to be delivered. It's there waiting to be had... and we hesitate."
...a rebel against the Kingdom agenda.
     Faith in Satan
              Faith in darkness
                       Faith in the power of sin.

The Unregenerate Heart

John 3:19-20

This is the judgment: the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil. For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his works should be exposed. 

We are not neutral when light approaches. We resist it. And we are not neutral when spiritual darkness envelops us. We embrace it. Love and hate are active in the unregenerate heart. And they move in exactly the wrong directions- hating what should be loved and loving what should be hated.

My heart scares me. My unregenerate heart scares me. My spiritually dead, morally selfish, rebellious, guilty, hopelessly unresponsive, corrupt and guilty condition scares me. It terrifies me. I can't take this anymore. Praying, asking, and begging for a rescue. A beautiful, flawless, vulnerable, exposing rescue. Praying for something that is out of my control... I just want to be chosen. I want to be redeemed. I want to be freed from this bondage. I want my shackles cast off in the light. I want this flesh to die and His Spirit to reign! I don't want to spit in His face anymore. I want to pour oil on His feet, and surrender my life wholly and completely to Him. Not my will, but Thine, Lord. I want Him to take His rightful place upon the throne of my life- PLEASE! You've won my heart, God, what more can I do? Please just choose me and breathe life into this unregenerate heart.

But how could He love someone like me? I'm bounded by these chains, and have not been willing to be set free. Satan is the temptress whom I've learned to love and hate, but right now I want nothing less than to be saved.

Save this heart.

Falling Into You

Don't wake me. I've fallen asleep.
Don't hate me. I have no relief.
This burden is shredding my soul.
This cycle is out of control!
In a darkened room, this pain is complete.
In my selfish tomb, I smell the defeat.
Why do I medicate?
Why do I go back to the things I hate?
There's something broken in me. I must be soaking in my apathy.
All who are found in this place, come to the ocean of grace.
All who have spit in His face, come and live.
You call me as Your friend, as I drive these nails again.
I'm falling into You.
You call me as  Your friend, as I break Your heart again.
I'm falling into You.
When You call me as Your friend.... my heart beats once again.
I'm falling into You.
You call me as Your friend and I come alive again.
I'm falling into You.