Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Injustice

A morsel of hope rekindles in my heart as I listen to the pulsating beats of the string orchestra that slowly change from a chromatic to major key when my place of loneliness is interrupted by a warm car and a soft hand. But despair dances with my pride and reminds me that our anticipations should not necessarily be our expectations, because they are most likely unattainable. False hope ultimately resides with affliction, bitterness, heartache, regret, animosity, depression. . . the list is incessant. We are compelled to trust, but have learned to be independent. We gradually adapt the mindset that we are sovereign. We finally learn to trust... but in no one but ourselves. What makes this hand she reaches out any different from the rest? Why does this voice declare my worth, when there is a choir of fallen angels who chant differently? The dissension I have about people, love, and religion subsequently leads to vexation and disarray.
Who is to blame?
No one but myself.
I cannot deduce why I am prone to abscond when a remedy for apathy is kindly placed at my feet.
Do nights like these make my time spent with God not expedient? Why does change ensue so slowly? Why is the fervent and robust desire for change not enough?
Injustice...
if a color would be a montage of dark deep bitterness, accented by hews of piercing reds.
What a feeling of hurt,
of pain
of anger this color would hold.
It is not just one color, but a million.
It is not just one feeling but a trillion.

I do not want this color.
I do not want this feeling.

Why must this cloth of injustice suffocate its victims with unprecedented speed,
accuracy, and vengeance ...
Mind you,
vengeance is not due.

Do fate and injustice go hand in hand?
Do they dance, each looking for a partner, a victim?

How do I treat this disease?
How do I subdue the un-subdueable?
How do i challenge the ultimate winner?

What a feeling of insurmountable inferiority injustice offers.
What a bitter treat, a treat not wanted...
but forced to take anyway.

I am the host but I do not wish to have this guest.
I do not want this guest abiding in my house,
in my mind,
in my soul.

I wish I held the power to demand its departure, but I don’t
… and neither do you.
So I tell you, take the hand of injustice,
dance his dance and learn his steps.

Maybe one day you will accept the unacceptable...
and forgive the unforgivable.

Acceptance and forgiveness come with time.
Trust is all I ask for now.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Be My Everything


I am weary with my groaning; All night I make my bed swim; I drench my couch with my tears. My eye wastes away because of grief; It grows old because of all my enemies. (Ps 6.6-7)

God, be my EVERYTHING.
God in my living
There in my breathing
God in my waking
God in my sleeping

God in my resting
There in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking

God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting

God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing

Be my everything

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
You are everything
Memories shattered to the ground, like cheap Christmas ornaments; as I lay here screaming, "What have i done?" to the one I knew so well. Thief of virginity; robber of purity; end of serenity. . . all for sake of masculinity. A wound so deep no time can reach or remedy my Lord, my panacea. Set me free. Take this anger from my heart. Forgive me. I know his sins are no greater than my mine, but i can't forget waht he did! Add another heart to your collection. Add another scar to my reflection. My every tear brings judgment down upon your head to form a crown. You broke much more than human flesh. You pierced the heart of a child of God...

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Battle Cry

This weekend I had a home and someone who took the position of an earthly Daddy [and an earthly Mommy], even though it was not their job. A Daddy who showed me love, even when it was undeserved, and a Daddy who called me out on my sins, even though it hurt. But, more importantly, he pointed my eyes towards my Heavenly Daddy. He showed me that his food did not compare to the bread of life, his hugs were the arms of the King embracing me, his comforting presence was that of an angelical army keeping me safe and striking terror into the enemies of God, his words were those of choirs in Heaven speaking truth into my heart, and his love came from the One who loves unconditionally.
Today I read a statement that went against everything this earthly Daddy showed me, but what the body of Christ often does- “The Church is the only army where we shoot the wounded when they have fallen.” That one short sentenced pierced my heart. When a wounded soldier admits their sin and seeks help for his/her woundedness, fingers are often pointed, adding pain to the injury. Sometimes in our zeal to wipe out sin, we brutally “kill” the sinner. No wonder we are so afraid to confess our sins.
Picture a fallen soldier in Iraq. He made a mistake and entered a place he wasn’t supposed to and ended up gunned down by a stealth enemy. His comrades find him laying in a pool of blood.
“Go on. Shoot him! He didn’t follow directions. He deserves to die,” the commander orders.
“But, Sir?...” A confused soldier questions. “He’s one of us, one of our own.”
“Not anymore, Soldier. Look at him- laying there in the mess of his mistake. Stop talking. Shoot him!”

Sound ridiculous? It should. Why do we continue to harm the hurting?
Spending time with this earthly Daddy, the consequences of sin were made clear, yet I was loved in the process. I never felt attacked. Slowly, with much love and grace, I began to see tangible evidence of my Savior’s love for me. Grasping onto what I hate so much becomes harder as my love increases. And eventually, I hope God moves this fallen soldier to the front line as one of His warriors.
He is not just part of the army of God. But he played the role of my spiritual hospital. Just like the army offers medical care for soldiers, so should the body of Christ. When we harm the hurt, we tarnish the treasured positions that Christ has placed us in and begin to look like the world. We should not look like the vultures waiting for our wounded to die so we can devour them. We should bring them back to health. I am slowly being brought back to health, physically and spiritually, and I want to be a place of refuge, a spiritual hospital, for others who are hurting. Thank goodness, thank GOD, that I have a safe place to regain my dignity and hope, a place to refuel so I can get back in the battle- on the right side.
I wonder how many fellow warriors have defected over enemy lines simply because of the harsh treatment dished out by the Body of Christ. I know I came close.
Instead of  raising my weapons on my own, others bandaged me with love and forgiveness, leading me to truth…not beating me up with their own weapons. And I realize that they were simply modeling after their Leader, Jesus Christ.
I don’t believe in anything but myself
But then you opened up the door
Now I start to believe in something else

How do I know if I’ll make it through?
Where’s the proof in You?

And so it goes
This soldier knows
That the battle with the heart isn’t easily won
…But it can be won.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Satisfaction

One of the lies floating around today, whether it comes in the form of a modern teaching or simply the whisperings of the enemy, goes something like this: Jesus Christ is not enough to fulfill the longings of your heart. 
But, Psalm 107:9 says, For He satisfies the longing soul.
All throughout the Bible, Jesus Christ is shown as the perfect fulfillment of our heart; the sweetest satisfaction for the human soul.  He is called the one who fills us all in all; not the One who fills us half-way and anything I cling to other than Him is getting in the way of my heart being satisfied. 
Elizabeth Elliot said, “The difficulty is to keep a tight reign on our emotions.  They may remain, but it is not they who are to rule the action.  They have no authority.  A life lived in God is not lived on the plane of the feelings, but of the will.  In Scripture the heart is the will – the man himself, the spring of all action, the ruling power bestowed on him by his Creator, capable of choosing and acting.”  (Elizabeth Elliot, Quest for Love, page 38)

Oh, God, this cold and rusted heart IS capable of choosing You to fulfill all the longings of my soul. Rid all idols in my life. Empty me of me and empty any foolish thing my heart clings to.

This is the secret – to finding contentment no matter what our situation.  To turn down the volume of our selfish, screaming emotions and attune our ears to our King’s gentle whisper.  To yield to His strength rather than the power of our own desires. To choose to love, give, serve and pour out our lives for Him, asking nothing in return.  It’s what He did for us.  And it’s what He asks us to do for Him.

If the thought of laying everything on the altar before your King, expecting nothing in return, makes one feel apprehensive, depressed, or hopeless, you can be sure those emotions are not coming from God.  The enemy of our soul is always busy at work, trying to speak words of doom to our minds, whispering that following God’s ways will only lead to heartache, disappointment and disillusionment.  He often causes us to believe that we are surrendering to a scowling Master who takes pleasure in making us unhappy.  

But being set free is not an easy journey. It is painful. And every time I let something take the place of God in my life, I go through the process all over again. And this time it's a really hard journey....harder than most. So painful that my heart, body, soul, and mind are not allowing me to cling to the riches of Christ and turn back to Him. While me heart desires to fight until the end my body is screaming a different message. But it IS worth fighting for. The battle is worth overcoming, no matter how many casualties it makes in my own life.

Getting alone with my King, meditating upon who He really is, and allowing Him to give me His heart, His vision for the beauty of true surrender, is what needs to be done.  It’s not a doorway into misery; it’s a doorway to abundant life, joy, peace, and supernatural strength.  Remember the words of Paul: “He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not . . .  also freely give us all things?”  (Romans 8:32)  And the words of James: “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning.”  (James 1:17)

My life has never been flooded with so much beauty, adventure and romance as when I have been fully yielded to Jesus Christ.  Remember who He is.  His plans for me are good. They are good for all who follow after Him.  He wants to give you a hope and a future.  But first He must have your will.  And once He does, you will be able to declare with David the Psalmist:  “In Thy presence is fullness of joy  - in thy right hand are pleasures forevermore.”  (Psalm 16:11)

"All of You is more than enough for all of me-for every thirst and every need. You satisfy me with Your love. And all I have in You is more than enough."

Monday, April 11, 2011

Your Love...it's better than drugs

Yesterday being at work was hard. Not so much hard, but embarrassing. I only worked with one person, but I didn't want her to see. I don't think she would understand. I don't think anyone would understand. 

But then I realize, I don't need anyone to understand. I need someone to listen. I need someone to hold me when I shake and wipe away the tears when I cry. But even when someone says that it is okay to talk, everyone always knows that nobody ever means that.

I know He said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." But sometimes it is hard to feel His arms embracing me. Sometimes I want to feel Him through His people.

Feel your every heartbeat
Feel you on these empty nights
Calm the ache, stop the shakes
You clear my mind
You're my escape
From this messed up place
'Cause you let me forget
You numb my pain

Feel you when I'm restless
Feel you when I cannot cope
You're my addiction, my prescription, my antidote
You kill the poison
Ease the suffering
Calm the rage when I'm afraid
To feel again

How can I tell you just all that you are
What you do to me

Feel your every heartbeat
Feel you on these empty nights
You're the strength of my life

You're better than drugs
Your love is like wine
Feel you comin' on so fast
Feel you comin' to get me high
You're better than drugs
Addicted for life

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Though your sins are like scarlet...

Experiencing His love and seeing His greatness is making me abhor and weep over the sinful nature that I cling to. So THIS is His answer to my prayer, "break my heart for what breaks Yours."
It's a different feeling and concept when I am weeping over the people I have wronged and my transgressions... rather than what has been done to me. It's like my selfish desires and needs have been abolished- praise the Lord! But I am immersed in grief. God, PLEASE FORGIVE THIS COLD AND RUSTED HEART. One event stands out above the rest...one from last semester. I need to admit my wrongs and express my remorse. My heart is begging for forgiveness and mercy. But I just don't know how. I have "apologized" so so many times...but for the wrong things! That was when I was wallowing amidst my sins. I would think that they expect my "sorry's" to be for the annoyance and waste of time and problems I caused. But no, it's much deeper than that. It's a secret that I cling on to that, until today, I was not able to even admit to my Lord who knows all things. This pain is unlike any other pain I have experienced. These tears are unlike any other tears that have fallen. I don't want to ever need to ask for this kind of forgiveness again. 
“Come now, let us reason together,” says the LORD. “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool." – Isaiah 1:18
Please, Lord. That is my prayer. Give me the opportunity to admit my wrongs, and help me to obey You and ask for her forgiveness. I need Your strength, God. I am scared. I am so so so sorry for hurting You.

Wrestle


God is a fighter. "...with us is the Lord our God to help us and to fight our battles" (2 Chronicles 32:8).
And He wants me to wrestle for His Kingdom. He wants me to be prepared to tangle, to interlock my soul in this eternal combat with Him, and with the otherworldly powers of darkness.
He wants me to WRESTLE in prayer and to grab a hold of His great and precious promises and FIGHT to see them unfurled in living reality on this earth.

I'm learning to wrestle with the enemy, and it is quite satisfying to hear Him whimper in pain. Because in the midst of struggle, Christ prevails.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Highland Presbyterian


How can I keep from singing Your praise?
How can I ever say enough,
How amazing is Your love?
How can I keep from shouting Your name?
I know I am loved by the King
And it makes my heart want to sing.

Your voice it thunders
The oaks start twisting
The forest sounds with cedars breaking
The waters see You and start their writhing
From the depths a song is rising
Creation sees You
And starts composing
The fields and trees
They start rejoicing
The earth is Yours and singing
Holy, holy, holy, holy Lord
You've won my heart. Now I can trade these ashes in for beauty and wear forgiveness like a crown. Coming to kiss the feet of mercy, I lay every burden down at the foot of the cross.

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
-Jeremiah 29:13

 Sing to the Lord a new song;
Sing to the Lord, all the earth.
Sing to the Lord, praise His name;
Proclaim His salvation day after day.
Declare His glory among the nations,
His marvelous deeds among all peoples.
For great is the Lord and most worthy of praise;
He is to be feared above all gods.
For all the gods of the nations are idols,
but the Lord made the heavens.
Splendor and majesty are before Him.
Strength and glory are in His sanctuary.
-Psalm 96:1-6

Depraved Indifference

Please watch the video.
I watched this over the summer and it impacted me greatly. To this day, it still gets to me.

These two points stood out to me:
- There is a cast system in Heaven. But it's exactly backwards than the cast system that this world naturally creates. Jesus came...He took the lowest spot...and He was God. The bigger you get in the Kingdom of Heaven, the lower position you take.
-God IS a father to the fatherless. But He's not here...except through us. That is why we are the BODY of Christ. His hands- our hands. His feet-our feet. His heart-our hearts. If our heart isn't beating for Him, His heart isn't beating on this earth.

God offers a cure for depraved indifference. It's Jesus Christ.
"God is looking for more than the money of the saints. He's looking for the entirety of their lives to be spent for the weak."
Do I care? YES I care! But do I care at the level God cares?
I was a father to the poor, and the cause which I knew not, I searched out.
Job 29:16

Monday, April 4, 2011

Answered Prayer


Well, God surely answers prayer.
Sometimes I ask myself, “WHY did I pray for that?” But I did. And he listened. And He responded.
A few posts again I mentioned that I wanted to be able to hear God. I wanted Him to whisper to me softly or even shout like the roar of a lion. Either way, I wanted Him to get my attention…and I wanted to listen and react. On Friday night I was driving home from a Westminster event and I passed a church called the Worship Center. The outward beauty caught my attention and I quickly swerved into the parking lot, even though it was nearing 10:00 at night. I admired the structure, for it was a holy place of God! [You know how in movies, after a tragic event or when someone is suffering from depression, he will find their way into a church sanctuary…even though it is 3 am? Man, I wish that were still the case.] I saw the church service times and I felt God whispering to me to go to this service.
So, Saturday night I drove back to this church, unsure of what to expect. Usually I am apprehensive about wondering into new situations alone. But this time, I just had a deep desire to be fed the word of God and worship Him in a holy place. It was like I was invincible. After all, I was not alone- I was with a church body who gathered to worship the One who will never leave my side. I would like to say that it was coincidence that the message was entitled “Whispers from God,” but I am 100% sure that He composed these events and orchestrated them into a perfect symphony that ended in an audience of one praising His name-I was the audience of one. Yes, the very struggle that has been on my heart for three months was being preached that night…and I got there because I obeyed and listened to a WHISPER from God.
As if that’s not exciting enough, this conductor, the Author of my life, was called back on stage for an encore. I fell to my knees in the sanctuary, hands lifted high. He flooded my soul with emotions I have never experienced-REAL compassion. He offered me a cure for my depraved indifference; my apathy. As I sang songs of praise I called out to Him. I prayed that He would bring PAIN and SUFFERING and DISTRESS…when I am working outside of His will. I prayed that He would make my life so miserable when I am living in sin that I would beg for His love to envelop me once again- for it is the only remedy for my fallen estate.
I’ll just be blunt and say- when I woke up…I felt MISERABLE. Guilt. Shame. Pain. Regret. Hurt. Questions. Agony. It all returned in the blink of an eye. WHY GOD?!?! Oh wait, yeah, I asked You for this…
He’s making it clear that His love is the only thing that can wipe away the pain I feel. He’s the only one who will never leave me. He’s the only one who can love me with a perfect love.
Here I am again, God, standing at the door praying that You would let me back in. Please don’t get tired of my constant begging for new life. He daily offers grace…and I now need to learn to daily receive. Daily I need to ask Him to undo what I have become. Wipe away all my despair ONLY when I am following hard after You.

It hurts God. I know I have been asking You to rid me of my sin…but it hurts when You take chisel it all away. But I’m trusting in Your promise that You will pull me through. And now I know...that it hurts YOU more than it hurts me. How self-centered am I? God does not make junk.
Faced to the ground I’m not proud
Of all You must see when You look at me.
I tremble at first as You wash the dirt from my feet
and I see my need for Thee.
-Rush of Fools