Prayer

I prayed the other day...
And it was beautiful.

It was sincere.
I was vulnerable.
I came broken.
I laid my pride aside.
Tears poured down my face when I was hurting
And laughter resounded when I was rejoicing
My face wrinkled when I was bewildered
I made a fist when I was angry
He heard what I had to say
And he listened intently
He told me that He cared
And that He would make my mess into something beautiful
He promised to take me as I am
He said I hadn't fallen too far from grace
The regret and pain remained
For there is still a lot to be fixed
But these things weren't covered by self-pity
They are now clothed in a consuming desire for forgiveness
A yearn for reconciliation
And the need to confess
When I smell defeat
I will run towards the feet of mercy
And beg for help
I will ask that He ameliorates all that I have done wrong
And then praise Him for the little that I have done right
As I cautiously hand my life over to Him
And give Him back what He already bought and owns
I finally mean it when I say,
"Not my will, but Thine"
You've won my heart.

The cries. The laughter. The yelling. The confusion. The pain. The joy.
Being exposed.

This is what real prayer has to look like.
It's fixing our eyes on the cross. It's laying every burden down.
It's being real. It's removing the mask and leaving the masquerade.
It's asking, questioning, thanking, praising.
It's listening.
And today I pray that hope will sustain.

I Choose Joy

"Do not look for rest in any pleasure, because you were not created for pleasure, you were created for joy. And if you don't know the difference between pleasure and joy you have not yet begun to live."
-Thomas Merton

Joy and pleasure both make you feel good. They are also both addictive. But I would much rather live a life filled with joy, than a life with an abundance of pleasure.

Joy comes from being constructive.
Joy has no negative side effects.
Joy has spiritual dimensions.
Joy requires effort.
Joy lasts.

What is greatness?

Tonight at C4, Jeremy Kingsly spoke on what it means to be great. And since Jesus is the greatest, he is the one who defines the term. Jesus served and we are called to serve, as well. Ephesians says, "We are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do!"
I am called to give.
I am called to serve.
I am called to make a difference.
We have all been created uniquely to serve God, but we are all called to serve with the same purpose.
God will never give us a responsibility without equipping us for the task. Job says, "Your hands have shaped me and made me!" I read somewhere a while ago that God uses five things to shape us...
Spiritual Gifts
Heart
Abilities
Personality
Experiences
So what does it look like to serve as Jesus served? Well, first we have to be available. Jesus would be walking along the street, and if people called out to him, he would stop! We must be willing to be interrupted. Interruptions are not bothersome. Interruptions are opportunities. The Bible says, "Never tell your neighbors to wait until tomorrow if you can help them now." Servant-hearted people don't procrastinate [...guilty] What keeps us from being available? Self-centerdness. "Forget yourself long enough to lend a helping hand." Also, perfectionism. Ecclesiastes 11:4 says, "if you wait for perfect conditions, you'll never get anything done." Thirdly, materialism. "No servant can serve two masters. You cannot serve both God and money!" Am I living in Christ or living in Adam? that's a question I need to daily ask myself. Serving like Jesus also means being grateful.The Apostle Paul says, "I thank Jesus Christ because He trusted me. He gave me this work of serving him."What are some barriers that stop me from serving gratefully? Comparing/criticizing and wrong motivations. Romans 14:4 says, "Who are you to criticize someone else's servant? The Lord will determine whether His servant has been successful." Matthew addresses our motives in Matthew 6:1, "When you do good deeds, don't try to show off. If you do, you won't get a reward from your Father in heaven." Serving like Jesus also means being faithful. Don't give up and stick with the task! Corinthians 4:2 says, "The one thing required of servants is that they be faithful." Jesus is the best example of faithfulness, for He completed the work he was given.

But does serving alone make one great? What about that person who gives and gives, but for some reason you just don't like him or respect him? Serving must be accompanied by humility.

The Christian mind, like Jesus' [Philippians 2:5-11]. must be characterized by humility. Virtues like obedience, submission, and service to others can never manifest without humility. We see greatness in Christ as he humbled himself and submitted to the will of the father. In the same way, I need to submit. And in doing all of these things- be HUMBLE.
Humility goes a long way.

  Service + Humility = Greatness

"I love you."

Three words.
"I love you."
These words have a much different meaning to me than most people. Especially today- Valentines Day.

I'm laying here in confusion, my heart in so much pain. I'm submerged in my own guilt and desperately crying for a way out. My mind replays the past three weeks where every night I get into my car and drive. And drive. And drive. I drive until the gas tank is empty. I drive until my tears blur my vision and I need to stop the car. I pull out the Ziploc bag- plastic in itself meaningless, but the words written on top treasurable- and I read until my sobs echo in the night. I gasp for air as my emotions lead to physical helplessness. I pull out the slip of paper that reads Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord and I scream I'VE BEEN WAITING GOD! I just don't understand.

I dwell on my unworthiness tonight and feel so alone. As the tears begin to fall, I quickly wipe them away for I don't want to feel weak. But my emotions are emerging too hastily and there's nothing I can do to stop them. The feelings of regret and shame are two that overwhelm and override my thoughts.


This pain is too much.



I reached for my phone, and texted what I thought my body would never crave and my mind would never desire-  11:58 pm: Can you get me some drugs? I can't do this any longer.


There. I said it. I can't believe I said it. But I need it. Right? My heart rate begins to reduce, because I tell myself that it will all be over soon.

11:59- Nothing.
12:00- Nothing. But it's okay, it takes a few minutes to respond.
12:01- Nothing.
12:02- Why am I not getting a response?
12:03- Nothing.

I need this. But from days and hours of crying and countless nights of no sleep,  I am weary and exhausted. I curl into a tight ball so I can feel protected and for the first time since I can remember I don't fight the agility of my eyelids closing.
Just as I begin to drift asleep, I feel the phone in my hand vibrate.
Yes! The relief I feel is not only one I have been waiting for as of 10 minutes, but it is one I have desperately been seeking for months. These feelings are like razorblades dug into my flesh; a needle pierced so deep into my veins; a handful of pills I cannot resist; poison being spread into my chest. It's time to oppress what I long to be gone.


Wait, what? This isn't who I texted. This isn't the person who will provide what I need.
I flip open my phone and I read,
12:09: I love you.


My heart beats twice as fast as it did after I ran my first track race. And I'm not exaggerating. This isn't what I asked for. I didn't ask for empty meaningless words. Words won't help me. I need the drugs.

But as beads of sweat roll down my face and my erratic heat beat is not slowing down I am forced to read it again.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.

Is love the remedy for my madness? Is love the antidote I've been blindly searching for?
Robust aspirations start to decay and the positive mindset breaks free. Serenity, tranquility- is this my source of ecstasy?!

This constructive ordeal is too good to be true.
12:18- How about _____? I can get it to you tonight.
He's right. I need it. Withdrawal from grace is worse than that of opiates. Insomnia keeps me awake at night because each day regret and pain escalate to a new high. My heart is calloused and my emotions implode.

But what if she meant what she said.
What if I am loved.
What if love is the cure for all my pain.
What if love means forgiveness.

It's now 2:13 and I am just so tired.
Struggling with the discord inside me.
The battle of lies versus truth
The war of despair versus hope
The fight between death and life
The combat between drugs and love.

So, while my quest, though similar, might be a little bit different than that of most people on Valentine's day, I will not retreat. I will not surrender.

As I fall asleep tonight I will choose to dwell on these words:

"I love you."

Thistles and Weeds

Luke 8:5-8
“A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path; it was trampled on, and the birds ate it up. Some fell on rocky ground, and when it came up, the plants withered because they had no moisture. Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up with it and choked the plants. Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up and yielded a crop, a hundred times more than was sown.”
In verse 14, Jesus continues on to compare the seed to the Word of God. "The seed that fell among the thorns [thistle] stands for those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by life's worries, riches and pleasures, and they do not mature."

Mumford and Sons wrote a powerful song entitled, "Thistle & Weeds." The lyrics are as followed:

Spare me your judgments and spare me your dreams
Cause recently mine have been tearing my seams
I sit alone in this winter clarity which clouds my mind
Alone in the wind and the rain you left me
It's getting dark, darling, too dark to see
And I'm on my knees, and your faith in shreds, it seems

Corrupted by the simple sniff of riches blown
I know you have felt much more love than you've shown
And I'm on my knees and the water creeps to my chest

But plant your hope with good seeds
Don't cover yourself with thistle and weeds
Rain down, rain down on me
Look over your hills and be still
The sky above us shoots to kill
Rain down, rain down on me

But I will hold on
I will hold on hope

I begged you to hear me, there's more than flesh and bones
Let the dead bury the dead, they will come out in droves
Take the spade from my hands and fill in the holes you've made

The lyrics corrupted by the simple sniff of riches blown are clearly calling out the people who have fallen among the thistle and weeds and are being choked by it. How easy I find it to let riches and worldly pleasures corrupt me. Colossians 3:1-2 says, "If then you were raised together with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated on the right hand of God. Set your mind on things that are above, not on things that are on earth." To set one’s heart is to literally seek in order to find out by thinking, meditating, reasoning, to inquire into. This is the same word that Jesus used in Matthew 6:33- “But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” Much of the Christian life is a mental exercise. Romans 12:2 says, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is-his good, please and perfect will.” It is by the knowledge of God that Christians can be transformed. Earthly things that we tend to set our minds on due to our sinful nature are greed, pride, covetousness and sensual lusts. Contrastingly, we should be setting our minds on abstract concepts, such as: love, justice, holiness, grace, and other attributes of God.

Do all of these things here on earth matter at all? There's more than flesh and bones. One day, everything will be gone and the only thing that will remain will be our spirits.

Also in the song they say, "Let the dead bury the dead, they will come out in droves." Part of that phrase is almost word for word to Matthew 8:22 when Jesus says, "Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead."

Reading the verses from Luke, and Matthew 18:13-20 I realize where my seeds have been planted. The seed falling among the thorns refers to someone who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke the word, making it unfruitful. I yearn to have my seeds fall on good soil, take root, and MULTIPLY.